On my morning walk before church I prayed. I was anticipating Holy Communion and asked God to examine my heart and cleanse me. I wanted to be a temple worthy to take part in the body and blood of our Lord Jesus.

And He met me. Right in the middle of struggle. He had heard my desires for surrender.

“My child,” the Lord said, “just as Christ’s body was broken that the world may have life, so your body is being broken that you may bring life into the world. Your physical being is my temple. You’ve laid down your life for my kingdom. And so I have asked you to surrender, that my will be done in this world. Through childbirth you will continue in sanctification, setting aside your abilities, your appearance, your desires, in order that I may breathe deeper life into your spirit. Your body is a vessel of the daughter for whom I have great plans. Bear her with grace.”

“Father,” I said, “as Jesus prayed in the garden, ‘if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.’ I asked for years to be given this gift of motherhood. And then I surrendered my desire. But it became a new sort of selfish. And of that, too, you are breaking me. Use my body for Kingdom work. I’m laying down my pride, proclaiming my desire for you to use and transform and break my body that She may have life. And for those whom she will lead to Life eternal.”

And even as Christ Jesus was resurrected his body bore the scars, remembrance of his sacrifice, proof of our redemption. “So, Father God, remind me in the years to come of the good my body has done. As it shows signs of this life-giving, transformative, Spirit-seeking time in my life, may it be a remembrance of His sacrifice and mine. For your good.”

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.