Dear Child of Ours, We had our post-op visit with the doctor last Friday, October 10th. It may sound weird but I was so happy to discover she had found problems – because knowing the problem means there is a likely solution. During the laparoscopy she found mild endometriosis as well as abdominal adhesions. She also […]
What’s Going Through My Head?
Dear Child of Mine, As I sit here, postured in such a way as to avoid painful abdominal responses, I am posing questions like: What now? Are our chances of getting pregnant really good? Should my hopes be up? Am I afraid? What in the world do these graphic images of my internal organs even mean?! […]
In a Downpour of Love
Dear Little One, I’m not sure what prompted me to share my very personal procedure with the “world” on Facebook yesterday. It’s a strange thing, sharing the private details of your life with so many. But there was something inside of me that knew the people who love me would want to know, would want […]
Going Under
Dear Child of Mine, Tomorrow morning at 6:30, I’m going to try my best to think happy thoughts of you. I’m going to pray that what I’m about to do is successful and that God’s grace will pour out on us in the form of the pregnancy we’ve longed for. You see, early in the morning, I […]
Becoming
Dear Child of Mine, In all this waiting for you, I have begun to learn more and more about myself. I used to define myself by the motherhood I would one day experience. Always living, planning, hoping in the future. My desire for you has not diminished and I’m certain it won’t disappear. Your participation […]
Home Again, Home Again Jiggity Jig
Dear Child of Mine, I’ve been yearning for you a lot lately; more than usual. Perhaps it’s because so many parts of our life seem to be eager for your presence. Our desire is changing from we really want a child to something is missing. There is a new void in my heart that I can’t quite describe. It’s […]
Hope and Validation
Hope is a thing of extraordinary power. It feeds the soul. and yet it can torment it. It can be dashed. Yet it can show the way. This beautiful quote from one of my favorite British dramas, Call the Midwife (Season 3, Episode 3). Waiting for you, my Child, is a true test of my ability to hold […]
Not This Time
Oh, Child of Mine, How could we have known that six years after I wiped that tear off your daddy’s cheek as we were exchanging our vows, that we would be soaking each other’s shoulders in tears shed over our barrenness? I wish I knew if God was trying to tell me a flat-out-NO or just […]
Anticipating Mother’s Day
For the first time in all these years of waiting for you, Child, I am anxious about tomorrow. Mother’s Day. The past couple of holidays I wasn’t really thinking about me and my sadness. I was thinking about how GREAT moms are and how they deserve to be celebrated. Inevitably, however, there would be a moment when […]
Pills and Prayers
So I finished the last of the Clomid pills this morning. I did it. And I didn’t leave a wake of wreakage from any emotional breakdowns. (Although you might want to ask your father about the truth in that one.) The medication left me feeling a little off, a little withdrawn, and a little moody, but […]