Dear Child of Mine,

Tomorrow morning at 6:30, I’m going to try my best to think happy thoughts of you. I’m going to pray that what I’m about to do is successful and that God’s grace will pour out on us in the form of the pregnancy we’ve longed for.

You see, early in the morning, I will be arriving at the surgical institute for laparoscopic surgery. After the anesthesia knocks me out (which won’t take much), our wonderful new doctor will be exploring my abdominal cavity for any signs of endometriosis. Should she find scar tissue or adhesions on my organs, she’ll remove them during the procedure. If in fact I do have endometriosis, this could be the cause of my infertility – my missing you. This diagnosis would also bring enlightenment and proper treatment for my intense abdominal pain during my monthly cycle, as well as my consistent intestinal issues which have gone undiagnosed for years. If lesions of endometrial tissue are found on my colon or intestines or bowel, perhaps my “weak stomach” isn’t just weak.

As strange as it sounds, I hope I do have endometriosis. After years of questions and decades of suffering, I may have a cause, a reason behind my pain and (most importantly) my barren womb.

In addition to the laparoscopy, Doctor is going to do a hysteroscopy and D&C to clean out any possible scarring in my uterus. She will be testing the fluid of my egg follicles because she has a slight suspicion of poly cystic ovarian syndrome as well. My blood work came back normal – good thyroid and progesterone levels. The ultrasounds have been relatively clear, although two different sets of eyes have noted fluid around an ovary. (Possible sign of endometriosis again.) The ultrasound tech today did say multiple times, “Your anatomy is textbook perfect. It’s beautiful.” Why thank you. (I think?)

It occurred to me, just today, that this procedure…this surgery…may have an affect on my life beyond just tomorrow. I am praying for a speedy recovery, but I’m certainly aware of possible physical discomfort and limitations. I don’t like limitations, so resting and healing will prove a challenge for a fast-paced girl like me.

But, Child, I am thankful. I am thankful for a doctor and a nurse-friend who advocate for us. I’m thankful for the friends and family who put things like my surgery on their calendars to remind themselves to be with me in thought and prayer. I am thankful for my husband who’ll be by my side, take good care of me, and force me to rest, and maybe laugh a little when I’m totally groggy from the anesthesia. I’m beyond appreciative of the good insurance we have that is helping us finally get the answers we’ve needed.

And Dear Jesus, I’m thankful for these years of testing, of waiting and wondering, of pain and sadness; because they’ve drawn me into a deeper fellowship with you. Because of this struggle, I’ve seen your faithfulness. Because of my pain, I’m learning of my calling. Go with me tomorrow, Lord Jesus. Calm my nerves. Steady the doctor’s hands. Heal me well.