Dear Child of Mine,

You actually exist! You’ve made your home in my womb, and I’m completely humbled to have been given the honor of carrying you. I really never thought this day would come. Disbelief still clouds my thoughts, wondering if all those positive tests were just some elaborate scheme of disappointment. But then I get another wave of nausea, and I thank the Lord for the gift of your life.

We’re going for our first official ultrasound today and I can hardly wait to see how you’ve grown! Knowing what a tiny speck you were in that first photo, I believe I’m going to see quite a change in you already. Perhaps this moment will make me realize how real this is.

Everyone keeps saying, “God is good!” And YES, God is good. But the truth is, God would be good no matter the outcome. God would be good even if we never had children. God is only good. So in these moments, I believe I have come face to face with the great GRACE of God. He has bestowed on a us a gift we do not deserve. And I will never stop thanking Him for your life. I commit to proclaiming God’s grace to all who know our story, the journey of pain and faith. May we never forget.

And despite the elation, Child, it’s been a confusing transition to make. I feel like the Israelites who are being led to the Promised Land but would just rather go back to Egyptian captivity, a place of familiarity. My entire story has been wrapped up in my identification of infertility. All of my prayers, all of my worship, all of my altar-moments have been centered around my barrenness. I have sought the Lord’s faithfulness, asked Him to bestow it upon me. I have begged for the Lord’s healing. I have cried out in anger and sadness. I have surrendered my dreams again and again on the altar of the Lord.

And now, all of a sudden, I have to learn a new way of living. I have to experience the land of celebration and joy. I have to leave behind my barrenness. And, honestly, I’m not sure what that looks like. So, Child, don’t think for a minute that you are not deeply loved and wholly desired. You are. It just may take me a while to recognize the fullness of God’s grace in my life. It’s kind of huge, daunting, overwhelming gift to have received. I’ll just continue seeking faithfulness to walk in this new land.

This passage from Deuteronomy 11:8-9 (the Message) is a word from the Lord to the Israelites, and it resonated with me:

So it’s you who are in charge of keeping the entire commandment that I command you today so that you’ll have the strength to invade and possess the land that you are crossing the river to make your own. Your obedience will give you a long life on the soil that God promised to give your ancestors and their children, a land flowing with milk and honey.